‘life is hell… but it’s beautiful’

I’m wondering if there is anything I should be thinking about seeing as it’s the last day of the year. Whether there’s things I should be reflecting on.

There’s this folder on my computer called Memories, where I put those things that have no use or practical reason for me keeping them, but that mean something to me and I feel like I want to keep them close to me. Mine and Stu’s crypticmemes, certain conversations and quotes from people, webcam printscreens, photos like those from the GoF outing, random doodles from Suuz, our recordings from after the St George’s day concert. Some things that I’d shared with people after I’d got rid of almost everything else that reminded me of them.

I’ve read some good books this year. Seen a lot of good films. Found a lot of very good music. Been heartbroken, and in return broken one… or two. Lost a few people, gained a few people. I’m not much different to the way I was this time last year, and I’ll be celebrating the new year the same way as I always have, with family and whichever Gravestocks currently in the country.

Resolutions… I’ll try and be more honest, with myself and with others. I think that’s where most of the problems have been this year. I’d say eat less chocolate, but… nah.

Mat Kearney - All I Need (acoustic)

I deleted that folder yesterday. The ones I need to remember, I won’t forget.

homework begins…

Mozart < life.

Actually, that’s unfair. It is not Mr Mozart’s fault that I can’t do this tonal harmony exercise. I’m frustrated because I only have the melody line to create an accompaniment from, and it keeps modulating and doing such weird things that I can’t even figure out where the phrases are or whether it should be in major or minor - things that are normally made obvious by the accompaniment. And as the task is to write the accompaniment, I have no idea what that meaningful accompaniment is. And so I am stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of harmonic meaninglessness and I’m not good enough to make sense of it because the exercises have got harder since last year and I have not got better at them.

</rant>

Time for some Greek maybe.

they’re mixing with the rain

*deletes paragraph*

I don’t know how to express these things, but I don’t really know what these things are anyway so I won’t try. Basically: I have seen you every day for two weeks, and this is now ending, and I don’t know how this week will feel without you.

A new obsession: Mat Kearney. I looked him up because Crashing Down was on the Grey’s episode I just saw (3×02), but I recognise All I Need, too, so that must have been on 3×01. Very nice music. Good to listen to at this time of night, when you need quiet thoughtful. And he’s opening for John Mayer in 07, so he must be pretty good.

I don’t really want to go to bed. When I wake up, you will have already left.

certain people you just keep coming back to

I feel like I actually did something useful today. But probably only because I got up at 9:30 and did those energetic things that I haven’t really been doing this holiday, like taking trains and… walking. To places that aren’t a house down the road or town.

Very nice to see Ed and Ash again. And Chris too, but it wasn’t quite so long for him. And roving the streets of Birmingham with not many destinations in mind is also pretty fun. Spent a lot of time perving on manga in one particular comic book store, and found the Postsecret book in another similar shop, which was nice. And I finally got myself some rosin.

And oh, the pretty lights. I know my pretty lights thing may seem weird and compulsive, but these ones in the Pallisades really were pretty. Pink and white and glowy, but without being gaudy. Hung along the middle of the ceiling and drooping down in arcs, pinned to the walls. Twinkling.

And there was time for Chris and I to watch Black Books when we got home, and then we had a family meal out at ‘Fantasy Island’. And Sam and I played weird stupid minigames on his Wii Play thingy (I am bitter because I cannot shoot ducks or aliens as quickly as he can and all my little people got abducted), and we did some poker, and I saw the first Grey’s of series 3, which killed me very much (Cristina and Burke at the end, <3333), and then we watched that odd little man Derren Brown do odd little things on channel 4, and now… sleep probably.

In the interests of being productive tomorrow…

• tune guitar
• tidy room
• postcard thing
• cake thing
• (homework - 1 quartet thing)
• party quiz

two warm hands break right through me

Just finished the Grey’s finale.

Bought a very nice dress yesterday while out shopping in Burton with Paul and Claire. It is in greens and blues (very much a Hetty colour, as Paul pointed out) and shiny and gorgeous. 73% off, as it was in sales and then had a broken strap. Might wear it to my party, but I think it’s actually too shiny and gorgeous for that.

Not much else happened yesterday. Had a brief Ashby visit with C to buy some black card &etc.s, then grandfathers came over in the evening for a meal. And we got them both playing Wiigolf and Wiibowling, which was amusing. Older generations just don’t seem to have the instinct for computery things. We did okay - up to the bowling, where lots of balls were dropped and lots were rolled very, very slowly, and one was even hurled backwards. Right at a crowd of little simulated people, who hopped and skipped and looked terribly happy about it. But they have no arms or legs, so perhaps being hit with a bowling ball is comparatively fun for them.

An incident of timing yesterday meant that all evening I was anticipating one of my parents’ dreaded Talks, the like of which I have not experienced since trying to sleep in the same room as Paul and Stu last January. But as of yet nothing has been said.

And very little of blogging interest has happened today too. But we have a fridge! No more will we have to keep our milk and cheese in an ice box that is increasing becoming a cold-water box, and no longer will Sam’s chocolate mousse be kept on the floor of our unheated laundry room, living a life of peril normally reserved only for superheroes and the cast of Lost. So our cheese is all slimy, and our cream is all cheesey, but besides this everything is wonderfully cold and edible.

Off to Birmingham with people tomorrow. Sadly Paul won’t be coming, unless his wallet magically reappears overnight. But it will be nice to see people again anyway.

The prop for my costume that I ordered off ebay arrived today. Very speedy. And Mum/Chris/I have started work on the quiz too. Things are looking good.

colours when there’s none to see

Christmas and boxing days were lovely. Quiet and a little sad, as we had two fewer grandparents with us than this time last year, but still christmassy and good. And later on Chris came round, and then Jen and B as well, and we played Wii-golf and articulate (young ones defeated old ones effortlessly). watched Fry and Laurie. &etc.

And today… spent the day quietly* at home. Chris and I watched lots of Yes Minister. *excluding B, who cannot play computer games without yelling a lot.

Today has brought up some stuff. There are things I want to say, but can’t express even to you. There are some hurts I want to stop but realise I have absolutely no power to do so. Something that has less and less hold on me, but which I think you think still does.

But these are only small things. I think these last few days may have healed me properly, or at least encouraged me to unwrap the metaphorical bandages. Perhaps soon I will find the right words, the right combinations, to show you that you don’t need to think about it at all.

misc other: The Weakerthans’ Left and Leaving album is linguistically incredible, but I’m left wondering whether they’re trying to write songs or poetry. Most interesting is the lack of repetition: there are no repeated phrases, let alone choruses, to be found in any of the twelve songs.

other misc: started watching Grey’s again. Never did see that finale.

Adult Situations - Joe Boulton

These moves we make
To do and un-
Do each other
Must be lovely
From a distance.

Such a music,
Such a twilight,
A surfacing,
A sense of style.
No end to it.

The white hotels
We check into
Keep standing. They
Survive each blond
Who comes and goes.

Cities go on.
The lights go on
In cities. Cars
Go to the sea.
The sea goes on.

What’s left of us
Lasts in what is
Least us: in cars,
In the twilight
Of white cities,

In our houses,
In our closets–
Clothes we put on
In the hope of
Taking them off.

life is something you’re not caught at

Just got back from church so I thought I’d just post to wish a very happy christmas to anyone reading. My christmas eve has been lovely, and christmas itself should also be lovely if the first hour is anything to go by. So I will read this email and eat this birthday cake and listen to Warmer Climate (quietly) and put pajamas on and sleep.

Got up two hours earlier than was necessary this morning, as choir wasn’t singing. Woe. But Jen and B and I had a fun time singing three-part harmony to all the hymns.

Finally got to see Happy Feet, too. Then I ended up back at Chris’s to assist with his present-wrapping (sortof: I have a label which begins “Dear Stephen - Happy Christopher” - sign of a foolish, foolish lack of concentration - I have seized it as a trophy and it will go on the wardrobe). I also got to try out his excitingly dingly glockenspiel. And we listened to much Nathanson and Snow Patrol.

But yes. Merry christmas. Time for cake and death sleep.

“enough of this tedious sweetness”

Today has been another very nice day.

Failed thoroughly at getting truffle boxes in Ashby, though mine and Chris’s sparring did provide amusement for some other shopping lady, who I am sure laughed at us then pretended she hadn’t. Visited June and gave her her truffles, anyway, and we ended up (inevitably) at Lite Bytes for hot chocolate. And then park. &etc.

Jen and B are back from skiing now, so we saw them this evening and had a catch-up. And I squiggled the truffles and Sam made mousse. And I tidied the dresser. In fact, I did a lot of worthwhile things. But none involved you, and for this I was sorry.

In Torchwood two weeks ago (the weird… ‘dead guy becomes a ghost’ storyline one) they used a song called Gorecki at the end climax. It starts “If I should die this very moment / I wouldn’t fear / For I’ve never known completeness like being here”. They only used a little part of it, perhaps the first verse and chorus. But I’m listening to it now, and there are some lyrics near the end that jump out at me. They go:

All I’ve known
All I’ve done
All I’ve felt was leading to this

upon the curb, surrounded by the mist

Feeling properly christmassy now. Met up with Stu, Jep, Paul and Lou and Rooty in town this afternoon, which was lovely. We had hot chocolates in Lite Bytes and people ate my cakey presents. I laughed a lot. Mostly at Lou. But also at Paul’s disturbedness when the other two occupants of his sofa started… making slurping noises. I will try to get my own back soon. It was lovely to see them all (and Paul’s ear!!) and beat up Stu and things. Walked back down the highstreet after, and it was dark and the christmas lights were on…

And Sam and I have made mega truffles. *nods* I think we excelled ourselves this year, coating them in lots of different kinds of chocolate and squiggling them with other chocolate and generally being fancier than we ever have been before. Currently they’re all speared on cocktail sticks stabbed into an orange in our fridge. Tis good.

Yesterday… should have been a band practice but wasn’t, as it turned out that we couldn’t get a lift. *fail* So we went to buy amarettis and ended up in Lite Bytes (ahah, theme)… then went back to watch more Black Books. Then in the evening we taught assorted Petherams how to play poker. Or rather I did, because Chris goes “Teaching? What is this ‘teaching’ foolery?” and tries to play without explaining anything first.

But yes. Petheram poker is a very different animal to BW poker. Petherams figure out rules far more quickly but choose to disregard them entirely and bet highly on random cards. It may be the alcohol. Once you’ve figured out there is no logic to their betting it becomes quite simple.

And we are pokering again tonight, but with the BWs. I love holidays.