just a little bit stronger

Mmm, feeling loads better today, especially now that I’ve had a shower. It’s been a nice morning, too, a really interesting/useful history lecture about the decline of Greece/Alexander’s unleashments, a philosophy one about the main themes of Plato’s republic, then an hour off with Lou to have lunch in law fac before a latin prosecomp supervision with DB in the cast gallery. I love the cast gallery. can’t wait for Friday’s supervision where we’ll (hopefully) have a proper wander round it with Carrie. Some of the art in there is awesome.

So yeah, now I have about an hour two hours before choir practice, then after that the front row (ie., the girls) are going out for a meal at Bella Italia. And we’re going to rate the boys, ahee, because that’s what they did to us at their curry.

Anyways. back to philosophy, and how plausible a case Socrates makes for identifying the good with pleasure in Plato’s Protagoras. Lou is well jealous of me right now. =D

cause it’s the world i know

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I don’t ever want to forget about you. I’m sorry that I do sometimes, because you are my reason and my sense of wonder and everything that’s good in my life. So that’s my prayer tonight, that I don’t forget. Or, when I do, that I’ll have people to come along and pick me up and bring me back to you again, like they did today. God bless Mat and Helen and peer pressure and compline. And hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Ahee, so I’m feeling relieved this evening as I saw Carrie for latlang this afternoon and she’s let me off my artarch essay, the one about what the Greek Revolution involved besides artistic skill. But she’s also asked that I still come to the supervision on Friday, which is awesome. I’m almost certain that I do not want to carry on artarch, but was a bit leery of doing it before Carrie’s first supervision at least, because I imagine if anyone can make it interesting (and useful) she probably could.

So yeah, that’s good. Rest of the day has been a bit mergh, as I overslept and missed two language classes (and an Aeneid lecture, but I’d probably have skipped that anyway). Obviously a lie-in is lovely – and really to be valued, as like everyone else here I think I get progressively more sleep deprived throughout the week – but I always feel horrible when I miss things here. And yeah, then my singing lesson wasn’t so fun either, I just feel so awkward doing all her odd breathing/projection exercises.

But well, now I have a freeish evening, at least of the urgent stuff, so I can stay in my room drinking tea and doing some Virgil or Homer. I think Virgil, because Homer is the one with a deadline (Friday). Perverse reasoning, but I’ll get more done that way.

Yesterday was a slightly better day; a regular working morning/aft, then an evening spent at a forum on possible solutions for the Israeli-Palestine conflict over at the union, and a bit of post-argument tea (and argument) with Mat.

Anyways. I’m feeling okies now, so as long as I don’t stay up too late or get too lazy this evening I should be fine by tomorrow. So that’s that. Off to Virgil I go.

but you broke mine;

Today was okies. Normal Sunday-type day, church in the morning, rehearsal and evensong from 4:30. Evensong service was very lovely, lots of good old-style music with loads of parts and a bit of plainchanting. Went to formal afterwards with choir people; this meant I missed seeing that film (foolish doublebooking), but it was really good fun anyway, and a really nice meal. And it’s true, I need to make an effort to socialise properly with choir before the Christmas concerts and Summer tour.

I really have nothing else to say about today that will be of remotest interest to anyone, I realise. It was a nice day. Don’t really want to talk about details.

• I hope you’ll be okay. And I hope that when you’re not, I’ll notice.
• That odd music you liked just came on. we kissed to it, way back. I skipped it.
• I wasn’t really interested in you, but you’re fun to look at.
• But you, I’m fascinated by you. I couldn’t say why.
• I’m praying so hard for the grace to accept whatever happens.
• Awwh, you’re growing up. This is both sad and really wonderful.
• I can see why they all decided on you.
• I didn’t not want it as much as I should have.
• I’m shocked you have a boyfriend. Sounds mean, but… so are you.

On that day on which the battle began, I cried bucketfuls*.

quo die bellum [inceptum est/sit/fuit/fuerit], vagivi.

So what I don’t know is whether my verb should be subjunctive/indicative, and what past tense it should be in. If sequence of tenses applied then it would be pluperf, as it’s historic sequence. If sequence of tenses doesn’t then it should be perf if it’s a completed action, or it should be imperf if uncompleted. It’s completed from the perspective of now, but from the perspective of the day of battle it was uncompleted.

Lou, Chris, opinion? I just don’t know. I’ll probably go with indicative imperf.

*DB’s helpful hint for this one is “probably best not to be literal”. <3

a place that’s warm and dark

Sent Emma and Mat away about an hour ago so I could do work. haven’t managed any yet. But I’d like to do at least half of my latin prose comp before bed. And clocks go back tonight, so I can probably afford to.

Last night ended up being super fun. Wine arrived with Guy, and later on other things arrived from Sainsbury’s; it’s the first time since matric dinner that I’ve had more than one glass of anything, I think. Nobody had too much though, and all we did was sit around talking and playing poker/spoons, we were just yet more jolly and silly than usual. Euphemisms abounded.

Soo glad to sleep in this morning, too. Got up for lunch, basically, then most of the rest of today was taken up with rehearsal and concert, ahah. But before rehearsal started I just had time to get over to the faculty to get out some books for this week’s (art/arch) essay. Took Mat along too, as he hadn’t seen the Sidgwick site yet. Sciences and arts students’are so separate here; the faculties are on opposite sides of town.

Concert ended up really very good. I somehow became leader of the orchestra, which was disconcerting considering the amount of preparation I’d done, but we didn’t make any big mistakes and everything sounded gorgeous in the chapel. Good music too; especially Finzi’s bagatelles with solo clarinet and Bach’s double violin concerto. Pieces like those are the reason music exists.

Feeling alright tonight. Tiny bit of loneliness/sadness in the back of my mind, but that’s just because it’s late and I had to send away friends. I’m tired, in a good way, and I keep wondering if just maybe you do, and tomorrow I have a day free for work and probably Dr Strangelove with Mat/Lou? in the evening. It’s good.

Happy birthday Ed. <3

the darkest night

Ahhhh. So, essay crisis is over (since about 2:30 this morning) and I’m just back from a really nice supervision with Robin Osborne and tea with Helen in which we read each other’s democracy essays and tried to read his illegible comments, ahah, and I am feeling so much better. And Helen read mine and just said, “I’m impressed”, which is great coming from her because I know she’s honest. She also mentioned that she was watching me during the supervision and I fidget a lot, which is really very unnerving and amusing but useful to know.

Last night was amusing. Straight after evensong we took ourselves off to the politics debate at the Union (‘TH has no faith in her majesty’s government’), which was entertaining stuff, albeit uncomfortable due to lack of seating. It was rather popular, I guess mainly because they had Iain Duncan Smith as one of the proposition. He did speak really well too.

After that ended, 10ish, we came back here and I abandoned co to go work on essay, which I finished around 12 with the eventual ‘help’ of Mat. But Helen still wasn’t finished, ahah, so we watched HIGNFY on Youtube to get a look at the Earl of Onslow, who had been credited in the debate as “The only hereditary peer to be a guest on Have I Got News For You”, ahee. So we wasted some time with that and Helen was eventually done about 2 o’clock, whereupon printed off both essays and took them across town to Kings’ Plodge to hand them in. Bit dodgy walking through town at that time of night, we just tried not to make eyecontact with people. Had Mat for ‘protection’ (“If anyone attacks us I’m pegging it”) but we didn’t need him in the end, and the Kings’ porter was very awesome about us handing in work at such a weird hour; he stamped it as going in at 10:50pm so Osborne wouldn’t think we were completely insane. Porters are lovely creatures.

So yeah, getting up this morning was fun. But I only had one class, so after that Lou and I cafe nerded for lunch and did a bit of shopping before Osborne’s supervision.

Now I am waiting for Lou to arrive to eat dinner with us and for Mat to return and tell us when and where this dinner will be, as Helen and I had thought canteen at 6:30 but Guy had previously been told 7:30 and it would be sad if he starved.

I am trying so hard to hold it together. I am trying not to miss you and not to fall in love with you. I am trying not to care too deeply about anyone or anything.

I just, I need someone to cling to and cry at times like these, just because I’m tired and worn down and I need it. But there is not anyone like that here, and in fact I don’t think there is anywhere because I never needed it before.

I know this is where I’ve always wanted to be. It’s just hard. And it’s fine, in ten minutes or whatever I will be over it until the next time. Back to the essay.

Eurgh. So I just missed my first supervision. :/

Sucks majorly, partly because I missed a supervision, which you just don’t, and Carrie’ll probably have to be told. But mainly it sucks because it was DB’s, and those two hours are the happiest ones of my working week. I can’t believe I missed it; I just had in my head that it was tomorrow afternoon and not today. David’s emailed me back to say it’s fine and he’ll just put my marked work in my pigeon hole. But meh.

Didn’t go to lectures this morning; it was two admittedly good ones (final history one and a philosophy one), but I’d been up til 2 and when I got out of bed this morning I managed drinking some ribena and having a slice of toast before realising I just couldn’t face it. Slept for most of the morning but tried to do a little essay as well, which is what I’m doing now.

It’s a month since. I wouldn’t have noticed, but I have it on good authority.

This sounds emo like crazy but seriously isn’t, ahah, I’m fineish. Just tired.

[deletion of emo]