to my last breath.

Hmm. Life’s going too quickly right now to really keep up. Things are ending. had end-of-term meeting with Carrie this morning, where she basically said that they are all happy with my work and I am just the person she thought I would be while interviewing me last year. It feels good to have some kind of affirmation when the feeling du mode here has been ‘I am not good enough’.

Last two days were fairly unremarkable, in a nice kind of way. After Wednesday’s final history lecture and prosecomp supervision with DB I haven’t really had any work to do. Had a very romantic candlelit choir practice in the evening because some crazy drilling man had cut off electricity to the college, then we stayed in Christ’s Bar (which had emergency power - oh college priorities) for much of the evening, socialising and trading Secret Santa presents. Then we walked Lou back to New Hall with Mat and Jon after Mat had badminton’d, which is actually a really nice walk. Should have slept right after that but got a little distracted.

Yesterday, little was done except buying set texts for next term (still need Herodotus, NB NB) and buying props from the Early Learning Centre for our 12 days of Christmas bop. I had castanets, Charles and Mat had a wheepipe thing and a kazoo respectively and Helen had… flashing snowman earrings. I really don’t know why.

The bop itself was really fun. Some people didn’t enjoy it so much, but Mat and I stayed for enough time to do a bit of socialising and dancing and stuff and then left in time to watch most of Star Wars VI with Lou and Jon =D =D so I at least had an awesome evening. And we were up to see in our one week anniversary, ahah, which is unsurprising considering the shocking hours we’ve been keeping this week.

I think I am okay about leaving here. I am trying not to count down the time or get all stupid about it, because there is nothing that can be done and I know I’ll have a wonderful time at home, relaxing and seeing people and doing all my new set texts. and then getting back here will be all the better for the separation too. I am sad to think of not seeing Mat for however long it is, but I think once I’m home I won’t… mind too much. I hope so. I like to think I’m going to be sensible. Well, maybe starting tomorrow. Tonight I intend to keep us all up as late into the night as I can.

and I can hear it now;

Mmm, nice day. quite. Things are ending! we had our last torturous Odyssey reading class (!!), last Latin consolidation (turned out to be surprisingly fun; George is so entertaining with his man-crush on our supervising man) and the final Cicero lecture. And tomorrow’s our last lecture of all term! It was going to be cancelled because our lecturer was stranded in Munich (quite a good excuse as they go) but fortunately/not he has managed to extricate himself from the German clutches.

I did manage to get to my final singing lesson of term, wherein the worst exercises that kinky kinky Ghislaine made me do were singing while lying down on the floor and then while on all fours. Not bad at all.

We made it to ice-skating this evening. I love ice-skating. and discovering that Mat and Jon had never done it before and have almost no balance/co-ordination made it very fun. All the moreso at the end when Jon lost his balance while skating past Mat and somehow managed to hook his leg around Mat’s and take them both down. It was entirely accidental, apparently, but I gave Jon extra chocolate for it anyway.

I am in the comforting and slightly scary position of… something that I’ve only once been in before. I can’t ever see me wanting to end this, and I know that if they do then it will… hurt an awful lot. But it’s different to that last time, so much different, because this time I am daring to hope that it might never have to end. I know that’s stupid, because almost everything does. but then I had never even dared to hope that it could ever begin, and somehow it did. maybe I need a little more faith.

And with that.

And. well, no. Those thoughts are mine alone.

So if you just cast all off your doubts then your lips would answer for you

my own fever

Doha debate last night was fantastic fun. It was basically a live broadcast debate, so similar to the normal union ones except no interruptions on points of information were allowed, the speeches were shorter and attacked immediately afterwards by Tim Sebastian, and speakers from the floor had to have microphones. BBC had also brought fake stained-glass windows into the debating chamber with the shadowy images of fake trees behind them. v amusing.

Have to walk across town in a few minutes to get to a singing lesson at St Chad’s at 4:10. Haven’t practiced much this week (/ever) and my singing teacher is extremely gung-ho with the weird vocal exercises, so it’s not exactly the most joyous occasion of my week. But I don’t think anything could kill my mood today.

Didn’t get enough sleep last night; went round to Staircase 4 at 10:30 to print off a translation and got sidetracked until sometime after 2. Looking forward to finding out if Mat got out of bed in time for 9am lecture.

Hopefully ice-skating this evening at the temporary rink they have up on Parker’s Piece. Need to see if Mat/Emma are keen for Compline too, because if so we’ll have to be back before 10pm. I’d rather like to go late, though, because ice-skating at night would be unbelievably pretty. We’ll see. Time to go.

Mat showed me his list of things to talk to his parents about this evening. (Yes, he’s a freak.) It went ‘heart attack, Hetty, polar bear book, Doha debate’. I complained about coming second on the list but apparently they’re in chronological order.

here in my hand

So now’s about the first time since writing that last blog that I’ve been by myself in my room, I think. Stu has been staying over from Friday night til this morning, and practically ditto Lou until Sunday evening, ahah. It’s been a terribly sociable weekend. And now Stu thinks that all we do here is hang out with random people and not do any work at all, because this has been a freak weekend where I’ve not actually done anything. How wonderful to not have an essay to write.

I can’t believe that was our last weekend all together. I’m trying not to think about next Saturday when everyone leaves, though really by everyone I mean just a few. Lou I’ll see soon enough, hopefully, but not seeing Mat until 12th Jan-ish is going to hurt somewhat. I’m making the most of this last week, though. This afternoon I think I have work to do and life to organise, then tonight Mat and I/possibly others will probably go off to the Doha debate at the union. It’s being broadcast on BBC World so should be good.

Mmm. Happy.

delicate.

Ahahah. Checked to see if I have any new email and I have two from PRINCESS BEREWA and one from starwars.com. How sad.

Speaking of which (not really), um. Even though this has been the second night in a row that I have still been very awake at 3am, I do not remotely care.

That is all.

if we don’t make it:

Ahahah. Just (nearly) finished my LAST ESSAY OF THE TERM and I was about to go round to 4 and print it off, but it has just started shitting it down outside, so to speak, and so I am thinking I will leave it as something to torture myself with in the morning as I attempt to get myself out of bed for the 9am Latin linguistic structures class of hellish boredom. Not allowed to miss it. pah.

Haven’t yet done the work for that, actually, so I guess that’s my next job.

I am hungering for sleep like something hungers for brains. Zombies? Or the Cyclops, perhaps. Ahahahahahah Greek reference! *kills self* That’s got to be the wittiest thing I’ve done since that time on Monday when I simultaneously forgot two PINs for separate bank accounts and disabled one of them by panicking and trying to guess it. Actually that wasn’t so witty. Huh.

Beautiful day today. I need to start noticing these things again.

but i’m standing still;

Yes! Faculty powercut did not continue into today, and as a result I was able to get two of my requested books from the library. And the Cat lecture was useful, and my test score was acceptable, so it’s been an okay morning really.

This afternoon I am DB supervisioning here at Christ’s for 2-3, then back off to the faculty to try and get some essay work done, then a singing lesson near faculty at 4:10, then more essay, then compline at 10 and Footlights at 11. I may pull an all-nighter on my essay tonight instead of tomorrow night, but it depends on how much I get done in normal hours today.

For me, the people I love here is what makes Cambridge. Sadly the people I love here is also what makes Cambridge so difficult. But it passes, and people whom you never thought able or bothered to end up the ones you end up relying on, and it keeps on going. I’m still praying for grace, and I still believe that eventually I might get it.

Oh, and I’m on choral scholarship now. I auditioned yesterday.

with all the strength of a GREAT TYPHOON

Just brief, because I need to do a little essay work before bed and still be able to get up for tomorrow’s history lecture. Funtimes.

This weekend has been really nice again. We had Friday evening in the bar putting lots of spare change in various people’s (Patrick’s) collection pots for handcuffing, and at 10pm the two most popular - Patrick and Liz - were duly chained. Very amusing, and potentially would have been moreso had the authorities not allowed them to have been unchained for Patrick’s rowing race the following morning.

Saturday… slept in. Sooo nice. Spent much (some) of the afternoon at Classics fac working, then the four of us (sans Emma - and Lou, obv) cooked stir fry over at Mat’s and then pub quizzed. We didn’t lose this time! Third last, actually, so not shoddy at all. Then Helen and George and I went over to Trinity Bar to meet up with some other classicists, then Mat and Jon and George (randomly) and I went over to see Rendition at Vue cinema in the Grafton. It was a late showing, starting at 11:20 - and a fairly long film anyway, so with adverts &etc we didn’t get out til 2:30ish. Really liked the film, though. Bit disgusting and very screwy but very well-made.

Missed church this morning, as I didn’t wake up til midday, but then Mat and I got random things from Sainsbury’s for lunch and spent the afternoon til choir practice reading articles about Odyssean narrative, ahah, so it was well if not productively spent time. And now Mat and Emma and I have evensonged and eaten and have just returned from visiting Lou up at New Hall. The walk there/back was cold and wet, eurgh. but quite fun actually. we did a lot of Disney songs. (and shine. stop - STOP!) <3 I am thinking Disney-fest in the holidays. nods.

I am going to be so sorry to leave here. a few people especially, and what i’m dreading now is the saturday when everyone except me leaves and the sunday when cambridge is empty of all the people i love in it. but that’s a few weeks away yet, and there is work to be done in the meantime.

this wasn’t really very brief. oh well.

ανοργιστος = attended by no orgies.

I love my Liddell & Scott.