stopped overthinking

For the first time today, I came out of an essay supervision feeling not at all disappointed with the criticism I received. I’d written an Ovid Amores 2 essay this week (great for me – we read Amores 1 for A level) and I’d enjoyed it, even though I’d been pressed for time, and Carrie said that mine and Holly’s had been the top ones. That was such a reassurance, as last time she gave me criticism I hadn’t quite understood about my writing style being too passive and I’d been scared she would say the same this time. But maybe I’m getting better.

This week’s been fun. The only remarkable part was our wedding formal on Wednesday here at Christ’s, which was a ton of fun, though rubbishly a natsci friend of Matt’s didn’t book in any guests, which meant that Matt had to give up his place – Lou too, but I don’t think she was so disappointed. Anyway, really nice evening besides that, and I didn’t have a 9am singing lesson the morning after so I felt completely safe to drink and wake up a little croaky. And I’m now married to Jon. By George. \o/

Anyways. In a few minutes we’re off to our chaplain’s trivial pursuit night (lols – he has tagged the facebook event as Party – Night of Mayhem) and then I guess I’ll come back here to do some essay. My deadline next week is Monday aft, instead of Thursday, so there’s going to be some seriously speedy writing over the weekend. It’ll be good for me.

Family gets home tomorrow.

kneel to fight

Everything is fine.

Ahhhhhhh.

He went to Addenbroke’s for tests and things in the end, that was why it took so long. They did a lot, by the sound of things, x-ray and bloodtests and allsorts. But the result is there’s nothing obvious wrong and he’s just to take paracetamol; they said he was right to go in, though, so I (and his mother, ahah) feel justified in our fear.

I wasted most of my evening with him in a thank-god-you’re-alive kind of way, so still not much foothold on the essay. But, priorities. We went and did a Sainsbury’s shop after tea and we wandered the aisles arguing with each other, and halfway up the biscuit aisle I had some kind of epiphany and told him I loved him and almost started to cry. Psychopath much. But these are the best bits, sharing a shopping basket and discussing shortbread vs. like gingersnaps and watching crappy crappy Torchwood.

In our sermon on Sunday evensong the guy made a very good point about not being afraid to say anything to God. He used to the psalms to demonstrate this; they’re not just for the happy times, sometimes they’re upset, grieving, raging against God. He pointed to how human they were, and suggested them as an ‘in’, a way of focusing thought towards God, and that by reading them often they would get not only into one’s thinking but gradually into all aspects of life too.

Anyway. I think my point was, I started reading psalms yesterday and already they are changing me a little. Perhaps not in any meaningful ways, but it’s there, and it means that today, twice reminded of my blessings, I know who to thank.

Um. Matt had a doctor’s appointment this morning for the chest pains that started on Saturday morning. He said it felt like something was rattling around in his rib cage, or there was fluid in there or something. He phoned to tell Jon he was missing their 2pm supervision. He never misses anything. It has been five hours and he is not back yet.

So now I am going to blink furiously and finish this Latin prose comp and wait for him to show up and tell me everything is fine.

that means…

Tori Amos – Twinkle

sure, that star can twinkle -
and you’re watching it do,
boy so hard, boy so hard
but I know a girl
twice as hard
and I’m sure
said I’m sure she’s watching it too

I really really love this song. It is the perfect end to the unhappy Boys for Pele album, the way Passenger Seat could have been for Transatlanticism if it had been my choice. I think persistence is the concept I love the most; it’s the roots of everything.

It was a beautiful service this evening. Mozart doesn’t normally do much for me, but for some reason I was really moved by what we sang tonight. The sermon was very good too. NB finding solo music for Thursday, I know I’ll forget unless I write it down.

But I’ve not yet done any work, so that’s my thing now. Ovid yays. I may need to find less beautiful music to do that to.

tell me does the world revolve the same

Three months yesterday… still going strong, and that amazes me. I love him. Though we were both feeling very grotty yesterday, ahah, another bad three-hour rehearsal for Beaufort ensemble, with only half an orchestra and the prospect of an evening concert where the other half of the orchestra would be sight-reading…

But the evening was actually lovely. I had a bath, yays, the concert went perfectly well, and the AGM afterwards was a lot of fun. It must have in part been down to the freely-flowing wine, but I looked around at that group quite a few times that evening and thought what great people they were, and how full of love I was for them. I didn’t stand for anything, though Mat and Emma and I had discussed sharing the Publicity role three-ways, as it’s a huge job… It didn’t come to anything, though, and I’m a little disappointed, but I know I can help in other ways. I want to get involved now.

And I am thinking about summer too. I want to do things. I want to get a travel grant from college and go to Rome with Ev and Emily and Emma, like we were talking about the other night. I’m wondering about SoulintheCity Durban, or looking for an internship. I’m realising that suddenly a whole load of doors are open.

Anyway. I have a prose comp to do now, and in an hour I’m going out for a coffee and catchup with Jasmine, and then later we’re having a pasta party. <3 I like Saturday.

rocky candy’s melted

John Mayer playing Clarity

…and Heart of Life

I like John Mayer a lot. Partly because he writes some fantastic songs, but partly because he performs these far more dynamically with just a guitar than many could manage after hours in a recording studio.

So last night was one of my lowest moments this term. It’s been a rough week in general, for no reason in particular. But they talk about a week five blues, and I guess that’s what it is. The five hours of uninspired rehearsal just tipped the scale really.

It’s over now though. I spagged out (Louism) and I went over to see him, far too late on, and he… made it better again. Funny, as that conflicts a little with something I learnt this week about how even your favourite person cannot make you happy and keep you that way. But that’s not important really. Perhaps it’s more important to have someone who can pick you up again afterwards.

In other news, something is clicking in my singing lessons now. I was singing high Ds and Es quite clearly this morning and that’s not anything I’ve ever done before.

Anyways. I have two free hours now and I’m really going to try and set about this essay, then we have a hot chocolate gathering in Waterstones’ Costa, then I have choir practice and short evensong (Lou’s coming, yays), then in the later evening we’re going to a reduced Shakespeare thing at the ADC. It should be a nice day now.

I have been in two rather soul-destroying music rehearsals for the last five hours. I am hungry and tired and my nose is sore and streaming and my back aches from playing nonstop for three hours and now I have an essay to write. But it needs to be done quickly, as I need to be up for a singing lesson at 9am tomorrow and I don’t even know if I’ll have any voice.

I just needed to tell someone that. Better now.

frosted lemon coward

Meh, I think sick bugs are on the rounds. I’ve had a bit of a sore throat for the last two days, but I’m especially bunged up and things today. So I’m feeling a bit flat. and my dreams aren’t helping – some of them are unpleasant and some of them nice, but even with those I wake up to realise they’re not real, and it seems a bit lose-lose really. I’m suspecting it’s nearly that time of the month, though, so I hope in a few days time I’ll feel happier again. I’m trying not to worry in the meantime. I think too much.

We went to a debate on the Elgin Marbles last night, which was great – really good speakers for both sides. (And Stelios was there too, ahah, easycruise was sponsoring it for some reason.) I feel strongly about their being returned, so I was glad that this side trounced the other, both in (imo) their arguments and in the resulting audience vote – 100ish to 40ish. Matt was one of the 40ish, but nobody’s perfect.

This afternoon I have one supervision, at 3:30, and I also need to finish this prose comp, research more on my essay (argh), do a Sainsbury’s shop and find a vase, maybe. I think I’ll go out and do those now, once I’ve finished this prose comp.

I said elsewhere instead, but I had a first date on Saturday. He wore a shirt and shoes, and brought me flowers. It went very well. I’d like to get out of this funk now.

burning slowly

Haven’t done this in a while. First four are sad, though all different kinds, and the last one is a happier one I’d been meaning to put up for ages. It was the background music to the postsecret video.

Go Set Go – Crying Shame

Jimmy Eat World – Dizzy (acoustic)

Ryan Adams – Desire

Sarah Brightman – Deliver Me

Donora – Shhh

feeling like a newborn child

Mmm, only just got up. Well actually, got up at 8:30, because the fire alarm went off and we kindof thought we may as well go to breakfast… first time I’ve ever been to breakfast in college, ahah, it was full of natscis. But then I came back and slept a lot and it was so nice. I love our week 5-8 timetable. …But it’s kindof worrying that we’re halfway through, now. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything.

Turns out that a lot of people got fudge and those sweet little Valentines messages in their pigeon-holes yesterday… but not cards. So I don’t know who sent that. I ended up capitulating and buying one myself, and I even wrote something very honest in it, something I hadn’t made clear before. which was kindof scary. But it turned out well.

Today I have a supervision at 4, and that’s it. Though I also got a prosecomp and a translation in my pigeonhole yesterday, so I’m aiming to do some of those too. We have a formal here tonight, though, so a well-occupied evening. It’ll just be quiet, only 5 of us, but I’m really looking forward to it anyway.