hearts wrapped in blankets, laying low

I’ve had a really good week since last posting. Nothing remarkable, I’m getting along with work and having the odd nice sociable evening and just generally trundling along. Lectures are getting scarcer and scarcer now that exams are moving in, so I actually feel that I’m not working as hard as previous terms, but I hope that will change soon enough. It’s difficult to motivate yourself when the weather’s this good.

I learnt last night that I’ve got my first big solo coming up with choir, singing the alto solo in the Mozart Vespers that we’re doing for Sunday’s evensong for Trinity Sunday. I’ve been avoiding solos for as long as possible, but being in a choir means it’s not generally under my control. It’s kindof ironic though, because having a loud voice and being in a choir with only four altos means that I’m pretty damn audible anyway, and whenever our music splits into two alto parts it’s practically a solo. It’s just the state of mind that changes.

It was Cambridge Classics open day last Friday, the same one Mrs Burn took me, Lou and Dom on two years ago. It makes you think. Now I’m here having Greek prose composition supervisions among sculpture (this morning) and history supervisions in caffe nerd (yesterday) and offering to be Webmaster for Farzin’s new classics society (also yesterday). As of next year, we’re the biggest college for classics in Cambridge.

Actually my day yesterday was entirely lovely, what with a good supervision in Nerd and another in the fellows’ garden (sunshiiiiine) and having Ev over for dinner, which turned into having Ev stay to play racing demons with us, which turned into taking Ev to sing with us at compline and have hot drinks with the chaplain afterwards. It was a very successful kidnapping.

I think I have another supervision in a few minutes, so it’s a jaunt across town and then back here to learn Vespers before choir practice. I also have two essays to write, and revenge to plan for Mat changing my Facebook status to “Hetty is a loser” last night when I had my back turned.

learning solitude

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
— Love After Love, Derek Walcott

I sat you down and told you how
the truest love that’s ever found
Is for oneself
You pulled apart my theory
With a weary and disinterested sigh
— Starlings, Elbow

This is a topic rather close to my heart, and sometimes people express it in ways that really stun me. It’s that amazing feeling you get when you realise someone has expressed something you thought your own in a far better way than you ever could. I’ll probably keep adding to this post.

but so were you

It’s a good day so far. That is, it’s been a good day in the four hours since I got out of bed. I’ve just got back from a nice Latin prose composition supervision with DB, who took us out onto the grass outside the faculty buildings. He was lovely about what I’d thought had been a poor effort of mine last week, claiming that my chiasmatic sound-alike-superlatives sequence of “delectare audientes gratissimum, gravissimum eos commovere” was “so hot I almost cried”. He is adorable. It got a whole three ticks anyway, which he says was something he’s only given three times. <3

Compline was so good for me last night. The Lord’s Prayer isn’t known for being a big tear-jerker. But reciting a prayer from memory with a very dear friend either side was somehow very moving, and I felt a peace descend like I haven’t in ages. So too walking back from the faculty today, in the bright sunshine.

I hope the rest of my day will be as good. I’ve a supervision at 2, a singing lesson at 3, and choir practice later on. So long as the sun keeps shining, everything will be fine. I always thought I liked winter more, but that’s the way my mind’s working now.

Relient K - Be My Escape (acoustic)

I’m giving up on doing this alone now,
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

the remote part of your heart

“Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:

* I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
* I shall fear only God.
* I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
* I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
* I shall conquer untruth by truth.
* And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.”

I have a bit of a nasty feeling in my stomach, but I hope it’ll pass.

I’m sitting here wanting to express something else, but I don’t think I should. I don’t understand what happened, at all, but it’s time to start being a grown-up about it. I don’t want to be the a horrible person.

a girl twice as hard

Hahahaha.

Farzin asked DB if we he could start setting him Greek translations every week, instead of every other, and DB’s agreed but on the condition that he only marks them and hands them back, with no supervision - officially we’re not allowed more than a certain number per term. I asked for copies too, because I figured it’d be helpful. Rachael opted out. And now that we’re into week 2, here arrived the first optional Greek translation. It was entitled:

BONUS AND OPTIONAL GREEK TRANSLATIONS

FOR 1A KEENOS

my skin is theirs

I love Postsecret. This is why.

We voted today.

I also went to lectures half in pajamas, but I did make it to first court in time for the Ascension Day blessing at 8:30. Priorities…

And Kate finally died, yesterday morning. An end, but one that they knew was coming, and I hope that after the intensity of the next few weeks they’ll be able to take comfort from how gentle it was, how… kind?

Oh, and I watched the first episode of Lost season four. I kindof hate myself.