This post is not depressed, merely reflective. It’s good for the soul.
I think the theme of my life will be reconciliation. A few examples, perhaps, in my personal relationships and my love of fair and good endings, but a few more in the gap between my expectations and the reality. If one were doing a pract. crit.* of me, one could tie in my love of this with the deepest fact of my person, which is the gap between the way I see myself – a free, optimistic and ~romantic~ soul – with the way that other people see me: a quiet, serious and slightly aloof personality. At least, I think that’s how they see me. It came as a shock to realise this, initially, as it’s a strange thing that, even though your ‘self’ belongs to you, you can’t stop the way that other people perceive it, and when you realise that, it doesn’t really feel under your control anymore.
But there are worse things to have as a theme. What would yours be?
*My exams start on Tuesday, later than most, and I’m still not fully prepared but right now I don’t care, I’m just frustrated and bored with revision and want to get going. I started revising at Easter, way earlier than last year, and I’m proud of my determination but with this late start I feel all my careful preparation falling apart as it drips gradually out of my memory. I just want to get things over with. But by the end of next week I shall never have to do a practical criticism again. <333 Freedom is within sight, it’s just not within grasp.
Is it normal to have such a disparity between the way people view you and the way you view yourself? Is it normal to care?
It’s one of those beautiful summer days where just stepping outside makes you feel happy. I’m at my desk revising, but I have a window and a great view of the sky.
‘Aemilius Paulus, when admonished by his friends because he had sent away a virtuous, wealthy, and lovely wife, reached out his shoe and said, “This is beautiful to look at, and new, but nobody knows where it pinches me.”‘ [Plutarch Conj. Prae., 22]
Regina Spektor’s newest, June 3rd! I am very excited. There a few album tracks out already, and they sound like a great compromise between her her last album’s more produced sound and something that feels a bit more ‘substantial’. The production’s not as intrusive, anyway (I’m thinking Better and That Time), and they sound clean and tuneful but not insipid. They’re also rooted in her piano-playing and characteristic vocal style, which makes me happy. Dance Anthem and Laughing With are around on her myspace (the third link above), and I suspect her Jools Holland performance (iPlayer link) of Blue Lips with piano and string quartet may be something like the album track.
My favourite of the new stuff so far is Dance Anthem, which also has a video I absolutely love. Contained therein is everything I really, really like about her. It is cutesy and a little bit weirdly-insightful and she is beautiful. and lols, Rap dude’s “Solo!” at 1:38 is my favourite.
Anyway. Nothing new to report from Cam; I’m mostly better now and revision is trundling along. Feeling pretty zen with a week to go, though I know some people that aren’t. I think revising in private helps; watching other people work hard(er than you) does nothing for self-esteem. So um, yes, ignorance is bliss? But back to work now; I’ve regressed to my antisocial holiday hours, too, so a few hours to go before I sleep.
On Monday I had my last supervision ever with the supervisor of my life. This would not sound as lame if you knew him; he’s one of the few things Farzin and I completely agree on. Our first supervision with him, we emerged after an hour a little dazed and confused but entirely inspired, and when Farzin told me that was the reason he’d come to Cambridge I couldn’t help but agree. I think I’ve come a long way since then, but the sentiment remains something I’ll always believe. I can’t quite believe two years of teaching has gone so quickly.
Anyway. It would seem that the closer I get to exams, the more psychotic my body gets. \o/ I cheered up over the weekend following last week’s epic hormonal fail, but then I caught a pretty nasty flu bug that’s kept me all but bedbound for the last two days. But hey, today I managed challenging things like showering and putting underwear on and tomorrow I’m going to be fine, because I’m singing on top of the gatehouse at 8:30am for the Ascension Day service. Some things don’t wait for you to get better.
And the great thing about that is all the morning-time I’ll gain after it. It should be bloody cold up there, and with that and the concentration demanded by singing difficult pieces in high winds, I will be awake like nobody’s business. Tomorrow will be productive. All that is left to do now is go to bed and pray for my singing voice to survive the night.
Today I’m calming the fuck down and not taking myself so seriously. Currently translating Greek tragedy with Cobra Starship on in the background \o/ it is a sortof hilarious combination. In an hour, I have friends coming over for a toaster sandwich party and hopefully a trip to see Angels & Demons. See, I even have a social life.
Everything feels a little too hard tonight. My mum is a very long way away and a hug from her and the promise that she’s been here too would be insert positive adjective here. After her, I’m not sure who I look to anymore. I’m so tired of this. Sometimes this isn’t a challenge. Sometimes this is too much for me, and I am only me. I’m not strong enough tonight.
Climbing the stairs to my room I just bumped into a half-naked dude (in really unpleasant orange striped boxers) coming the other way. I feel dirty :(
Today I made someone’s day before 10am.
Busy day ahead, and not enough of it’s to do with revision. let’s get cracking.
Normal days are trundling on as normal here, so not much to report. But I am having a GREAT day today, because for the first time in my life I have a bra that perfectly fits my stupidly-sized breasts. This is a BIG SCORE.
srs, unless you are a girl with unreasonable boobies you can have no idea how good this feels. I am having a good Friday.