Dinner’s cooking. Times like these I really wish I had a hob; tonight I’m doing sweet and sour caramelised shallots in the slow cooker, and it’s meant to be with egg noodles but I think it’s going to be with bread and cheese instead. this is what the book next to me would call cross-cultural assimilation. only more tasty.
I’ve been busy. I can’t say how glad that makes me. This term is as different from the last two years as I’ve been able to make it, and it’s working. Charles’ death has made me realise that eventually you grow up and you become a person with souvenir scars and thoughts that will never leave you but which you can’t afford to give space to. I will never stop feeling the loss of his death and I’ll never again be young enough to feel invulnerable. The only thing I can do is carry him with me.
Another recent loss received its silver lining last night. I’ve been busy, as I said, and a lot of it’s been to distract me, but it’s also happened because I couldn’t before and now I can. Last night I went to a birthday formal for someone I like but don’t socialise much with outside of choir. Matt doesn’t know her very well, I don’t know many of her other friends, and if I’d still been in a relationship I wouldn’t have gone last night because oh noes, who would I sit with or talk to? It would’ve been easier to have a quiet night in with the boyfriend. I still thought this, but since I don’t have that option anymore I went anyway and I ended up having a really fun time with people I hadn’t known so well before. Loss hurts, but I’m slowly learning to live the things I guess I already knew: being alone and being independent are just a matter of perspective, and no-one but me can make me strong. and you can also invite strange boys back to your room to fix your internet, which was an entirely unforeseen plus point.
Two other really cool things coming soon:
- Nano! A few late nights ago, I sat myself down with an A4 pad and I drew a castle, then a stick figure, then many more stick figures, bullet points, arrows, and suddenly I had people and secrets and a sparky, love-hate dynamic between my two mains that I can’t wait to write. The paper’s gone up on my wall so I can gaze at it. still needs moar plot, but this is a really nice start.
- Jess and Stu are visiting on Tuesday <3333333333