all i need.

I was just looking at the entry I made on this day last year, to try to get an idea of what things were like then. It’s a long time ago however I measure it, but the thing I like about this blog here is that when I read that entry, I know how I felt back then. I hope that in a year’s time I can read this one and know again.

Went to see Enchanted at Tamworth cinema last night, with Suuz and Lizza and Jen and Mum. It was actually the loveliest film I think I’ve ever seen. Not the best, obviously, but it was witty and slightly thought-provoking and just made me very happy, which are three very big pluses for any film.

In about an hour we’re going over to the Gravestocks to get a takeaway and play silly games and see in the new year together. Just the same as always, really. Some things don’t ever change, this I know, and though I can hope like anything that next year I’ll be in as good a place as I am now, I can’t ever be sure of it. Not the way I can be sure that, next year, I will be just as welcome in Jen, B and Susannah’s house as I have been for all these years. It’s ironic that the most special aspect of friendship is also the reason I can undervalue it so easily.

Last year I found a university, performed in a musical, left school, went on holiday with friends for the first time, left home, lived by myself and met a lot of special people, a few very special. Almost everything about these changes was good. But I don’t want any more in 2008. This year I just want to hang onto all my old blessings.

The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm
Glass is breaking so don’t let go of my arm
Grab your bags and a picture of where we met
All that we’ll leave behind and all that’s left
If everything we’ve got is blowing away
We’ve got a rock and a rock till our dying day
I’m holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it’s all we got, but it’s all I need

d’amore, e di speranza

Yay, just finished my Herodotus for today. So now I’m free to drink my wine and read, if those two things go together, and pay a bit more attention to the random classical music that’s been playing in the background for five hours. And I have a feeling there’s some QI on in a bit.

My attitudes to some music has definitely changed since my musical experiences at Cambridge. Long orchestral pieces are still dull as anything, but I’ve developed far more interesting in vocal stuff than before, and noted down a few composers I want to listen to more of – Bazzini, whose Ronde Des Lutins I heard the other day and have never heard anything quite like before; Jenkins, especially his Requiem, which I’ve never heard fully, Glass beyond just the violin concerto. And leading on from that thought (sortof), I’d like to see the Hours again now that I might ‘get’ it.

Anyway. I feel as though I’ve settled into a kind of routine with my work now, which is great – having a strict timetable definitely works for me. I’ve made really good headway into Herodotus and Odyssey over the last few days (writing vocab lists always makes me feel better) and it’s a steady enough that it doesn’t feel impossible. I can’t imagine this is interesting to anyone but me, ahah, but I’m just amazed I managed to motivate myself, so I have to share it with someone. thing.

Anyway. Before starting the work, I had a really nice morning/early-afternoon practising trio music with Lizza and Suuz for a concert we’re planning in Easter holiday. Well, 15th March – the day right after term finishes, and Mat’s birthday. But I guess we’ll celebrate earlier as everyone’ll leave on 15th, so it’s not a problem. Said boy got a ferry for France at 5am this morning (ha ha ha) so I’ll be lacking in a sparring partner for the rest of the week… keeping busy and not staying up late is the solution.

It seems cruel that one can miss someone more when they go to a different country when they were already over a hundred miles away, but I guess that was always going to be the problem with keeping in regular contact. But in the back of my mind I still know that two months ago I would have given anything to be in this position with this person. I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s a funny world.

being young and foolish

Mmm, Classic FM. I’ve started listening to it far more because it provides a perfect background to Greek translation; I find familiar music a bit invasive. It has really good news updates too. But right now it’s Andreas Scholl singing Salley Gardens, which is a beautiful little song and the second vocal solo I ever learnt. I say that as if I’ve learnt more than four, ahah. But yeah, it’s gorgeous. And they just had a fantastic canonish Monteverdi vocal piece before that.

This morning Mum and I went shopping in the Birmingham Bullring sales, it was lots of fun. I got a lovely blue velvet jacket and a new pair of pajamas, among some other smaller things. And hopefully the exercise will help with my failure to sleep, as I need to be up early again tomorrow for a Fiddlers Three get-together with Suuz and Lizza.

So yes. ‘Wretched man, how might any other of the man that live come to you again, since you have not treated them correctly?’ Says Odysseus to the afore-mentioned really very interesting cannibalistic monster.

set me on fire in the evening

“For it is evident that the woman would never be abducted if they themselves were not willing to go.” Herodotus Histories, 4.2.

Ahh, good old-fashioned sexism. Fight back against that band of men with big swords, ladies! If you can’t break through their armour with your loom shuttle then you’re not trying hard enough!

I’ve done 50 lines of Homer today and I’m on my fourth chapter of Herodotus and Herodotus is so much more interesting, oh my goodness. I don’t know who I am and what they did with Hetty last term but this narrative is a whole lot better than the one about cannibalistic monsters.

dancing on the midway

It’s a shame that I so often post miserable things here, I’m really very happy at the moment. I’d delete the emo but it’d probably be a shame to. But yes, I’m feeling extremely Christmassy now (save for the Aeneid I’m currently translating) – Sam and I have finished making our truffles, and they are beautiful, and some other presents I’m making are coming together really nicely, which makes me happy.

And in a bit I’m going out to the crib service to play music for the hymns along with Chris L and Lizza and Suuz, which should be jolly (the children’s Christmas services are full of havoc), then later on I’ll be in midnight mass too. The choir did our candlelit 9 lessons and carols last night, to a packed church, and it passed off without a hitch, which was fantastic. Andrew must have been working with the younger ones before we arrived yesterday because suddenly all their solos sounded… good. It was quite humbling after the service yesterday to realise that people here appreciate our little choir’s lovely imperfect music just as much as – if not more than – the people who came to my Cambridge choir’s London concerts did.

Tis the season indeed. And only 30L of Aeneid 9 left.

all you have to do is

Ahah, so I kindof thought I’d be sleepy this evening, as I fell asleep late last night and got up (relatively) early this morning, but it would appear that it doesn’t work like that. Clearly I should’ve slept when I felt like it at 8. But I hadn’t done enough work and I’d have missed the news. Ahh, how crazy and awesome my life is.

I feel a little like a stray right now. I do feel quite lonely in Ashby nowadays, even though there’s family around and scattered friends too. And it’s not anyone else’s lookout but my own, and that’s only right, but what I miss so much from Cambridge is… having a group of friends to hang out with. I suppose leaving school kindof naturally ended one friendship group, and if leaving didn’t then a break-up certainly did. break-ups always seem to be the culprits.

I’m talking crap again. I love the way all my sad moods stem from the very predictable causes of missing a boy and feeling kindof isolated at 1:30 in the morning. But somehow even though I can detect the reasons and kindof want to mock myself for them it doesn’t change the fact that tonight tears are welling up for the first time since… this time last month, to about an hour. Happy anniversary.

through to the other side

I passed over this poem earlier because I thought it was trite and cheesy, but reading it again just now I think I got it. Or it got me. It’s called ‘What do I want for Christmas?’ I think the last two lines are beautiful.

I’ve had a nice last few days, though nothing noteworthy. I’ve established a set minimum of work each day, and often all I’m managing is that minimum, but it’s some kind of progress at least. I’ve been mostly at home, with work and baking and other Christmas preparations (yays), but yesterday Lou and I had Jon over for the day, which was great fun and entirely unproductive, and tonight Lou, Stu, Paul and I went out to dinner at ‘fantasy island’ (Dad’s name not theirs), staple restaurant of my family. The food was yummy and the company was too – albeit occasionally quite rude, my fragile sensibilities were very offended – so we had a very nice time.

Sam’s off his caveman diet today, which is the good news – but he’s now off wheat for the next 4 months at least. Which is the bad news, considering we had hoped this would just be temporary and he’d been getting through this month sustained by the thought of a cheese sandwich at the end of it. He took it extremely well, but I wouldn’t blame him if that changes soon. He’s got no logical choice about it, though, so we’ll have to see how it goes.

Some other stuff I want to say but it doesn’t really belong where anyone can read it. I need to change something, and it doesn’t say much for me as a person if I can’t.

I’ve stayed up for far too long, working through my huge messy folder of bookmarked poetry, looking for something that could express something for me. But I didn’t find a single one that fit, not even among Neruda, O’Hara, Eliot, and I’m not sure why because there can’t be anyone who hasn’t felt this way. Maybe it’s just too simple.

I miss you.

And I need to be up at 8.

get gotten.

Yesterday’s Christingle service cheered me up immensely. I was vaguely involved, playing melody lines on the violin against Chris on piano so that the congregation had something to follow. It worked really nicely too, so we might see about doing it again in the crib service on Christmas eve. The service itself was really beautiful, I am a sucker for candles and when they are candles held by lots of cute kids singing a tuneless Away in the Manger in a wide ring all around a darkened church I become very happy indeed. And I got to see Suuz, who has just got back for Christmas, so it was rather awesome really.

Only got up a few hours ago, feeling a bit mergh, but in a bit Mum and I are going to visit Gravestock house so that cheer us both up. Only for an hour though, she’s tired out and wants some quiet time. and I need to get back here and translate things.

TOMORROW Jon is coming to visit us =D I’m picking up Lou first then we’re going to get him from Loughborough station and take him to Noodle Bar, then come back here and hang out and watch films. Should be really nice.

do what you’re thinking of

[mane postmeridiane delendum est, ne metuamus]